Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I am midnight drunk by noon
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize