My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
After last night, I could never be a politician.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
