Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
