I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
