Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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