Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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