apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
