The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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