I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm always down for nudity.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
