I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
