Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
