its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
