life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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