Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize