When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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