Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Randomize
