My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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