If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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