So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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