fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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