my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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