Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
