Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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