I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
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