I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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