im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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