there were more penises there than on chat roulette
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
