from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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