Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
