Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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