why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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