It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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