My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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