she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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