I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
