my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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