Who wears a wallet chain?!
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
