The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
