She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
