I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize