Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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