allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
areolas are like halos for boobs.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
