Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
