dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
