he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
