The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
