wrigley field is MILF paradise
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
