Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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