I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Did I show you my penis last night?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Randomize
