You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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