plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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