He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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