Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize