she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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