Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
