if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
