You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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