I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
