He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
