It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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