I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
