I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
