you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
