I'm sorry my penis didn't work
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
