you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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