Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
We left the knife in your bed.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize