No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
